Wow! Reflecting on the past two years of my life in seasons that I wanted to see change, I saw none. Disappointment, failure, resentment, denial, confusion, anger, and pride all stewed within me over the summer. Just recently and I mean very recently, I realize it wasn’t going to change. What I was doing and where I am doing it at is what and where I’m supposed to be. Let me explain.
I teach school. I love the kids always and I like who I work with. But I don’t like the corporation and sometimes the parents are over-bearing. I have wanted to have a season of change for two years. Every summer, I apply and interview for other teaching positions, but no door opened. I even have been wanted by a principal, but the district decided to go with a more experienced teacher in that grade level. I got so frustrated this past year that I contacted the Human Resource Dept. and talked with them about why I couldn’t get hired. They said that there should be no reason. My file is clean and up to date.
Eventually, I just gave up. I got tired of fighting with God about what he wanted me to do. I got tired of trying to open those doors that are closed for a reason that I may never know. I got tired of wanting something so bad that He didn’t want me to have. I got tired of feeling defeated when I could have felt like a winner.
I wanted to be God’s good girl. I wanted to trust Him, to be content where I am, to have mustard seed faith, to be prayerful, to be obedient, and to worship Him only. I wanted our daddy and daughter relationship to be fruitful and not painful. I wanted Him to give me what I wanted and if not, I threw a temper-tantrum and felt miserable. He still said NO!
So I let go! I let go of being in control. I let go of the hurt and pain of feeling defeated. I let go of denial and rejection. I let go of being disappointed and confused. I let go resentment and anger. AND when I let go, I felt better, lighter, calmer, happier, I felt FREE! When people asked how I was doing, I said, “I’m great” and I really felt great. Wow! I haven’t felt GREAT in a long time and truly meant it.
A scripture that was a memory on my Facebook page a few days ago pop up and reminded me of how I need to live in a season that doesn’t change:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust Him, believe Him, love Him, obey Him and let Him lead You! We will never have all the answers and we will never get our own way. God knows what’s best for us and even if we struggle with Him to find it, He will still love us and want us and be with us. I know, because I am His and He is mine!