Silent Heartbreak

Poem by Lola Brooks

Too quiet to speak,

No words can express the pain.

There’s no one to tell,

you were my one,

Now I’ve lost you.

I did the wrong thing,

I said something wrong.

I’d take it back,

but it’s too late.

I carry the silence within,

no one knows me like you.

There’s no one to share it with,

you won’t talk to me and

I can’t make it go away.

God’s Glory

Having to be transparent at times a little difficult for me.  I am not an open book. But when God uses my difficulties as a story for his people and those that are not His, I must be transparent to show you how awesome and loving He is.

Being a Teacher means that I only get paid once a month and sometimes that is hard. Being Single Mom makes it all the more difficult in making sure all the bills get paid and we have food  to eat and gas to go places. Sometimes everything gets paid and sometimes something get left unpaid.

Recently in August right before school started, I put off paying the electric bill because of thinking I would get paid before school started.  I used that money to buy things I needed for my classroom because Teachers have to buy their own stuff. I postponed it 10 days after the due date and then found out I was not getting paid until the day school started (27th).  The bill was due on the 24th, a Friday. I wouldn’t get paid until that Monday.

I tried to figure out something.  I felt horrible, but there was nothing I could do, but pray. I prepared for the worst (no electricity). I made arrangement to stay at a friend’s home.  I found my kids places to stay. I packed all the food in the refrigerator to take to my friend’s house.  I cleaned, took out all the trash, washed all the clothes and waited. I went to school that morning and then back home expecting the electricity to be off, but it wasn’t.  I called my friend to let her know that I was waiting for it to be cut off. So I waited and waited and waited on Friday evening, Saturday morning, Saturday evening and Sunday morning.  The electric company workers can come at any time, even on the weekends to cut it off. Sunday morning, I checked my account balance at the bank because I needed some gas and I knew I had a least $10 in it.  But Glory be, my school check was in there, posted and ready to use. I immediately posted a payment with the electric company and thanked God for showing me His glory, grace, mercy and favor.

God showed me his glory.  He showed me how to prepared for things that could happen and recently for things I want to happen.  God showed up and showed out so that I could show you His greatness and love for his children. Just like He did this weekend when Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, where I live.  He show His glory by calming the storm through prayers by people who love Him and people that don’t. Think about how many people who don’t know Him saw His glory through prayer. Now they know and hopefully they will have a change of heart about him.  You can too! Just ask Him. He loves you and wants you to see his glory, too!

 

You Inspire Me

You inspire me to think ahead

Of the future that could be.

You inspire me to want to see

What you already see in me.

 

You inspire me to believe

That things could change.

You inspire me to feel

Something wonderful and something strange.

 

You inspire me to write

All the words I cannot say.

You inspire me to speak

Of love and relationships that one day….

 

Will inspire me to think, want, believe, feel, write and speak of

A greater thing that will happen because

You inspire me!

Things I Want My First Graders to Know

I love you!

I believe in you!

You are destined for great things!

After the first week of school and bringing homework home every night and thinking of my little students, I wrote this over the weekend. I wanted them to know how important they are. That you’re not too little to dream, to do great things and to be loved just for being themselves!

I posted it in my classroom and then went over it with them, so they could understand what I was trying to tell them. So they would know who they are and that they are important. So that they would know how I felt about them and that I wasn’t afraid to show it. Then, I read, “You Are Wonderfully and Beautifully Made”, my first authored book. The same words written in that book made a connection to the words I wrote on that poster. That book was written in 2014, three years later I’ve written different words with the same meaning to little ones who deserve to know how special they are.

On Sunday in church while I was worshipping my Heavenly Father,   He reminded me that the words I wrote for my students He wrote for me. I love you! I believe in you! You are destined for great things! And most recently, I’m so proud of you! He created me to be the very person you see today. He purposed me to love, teach and treasure little ones who need to know they are not mistakes or unwanted! They are worthy and highly thought of. They are also purposed to do great things that He created them to be. When they hear they this, their eyes get wide and their mouths open. They look at each other and have the biggest smiles on their faces. Then they know that they are wonderfully and beautifully made.

You are too! You were created on purpose, for a purpose. He knew you way before you were conceived! He wanted you, He needed you! He loves you! He believes in you! He destined you for great things! I know some of you don’t believe in God and that’s ok! It is a choice. But fortunately, you were created by the same Heavenly Father as I! And you too, are wonderfully and beautifully made!

1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3   You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. 5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?   8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea. 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12   even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,   for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:1-18

Feeling Defeated and It’s OK!

Sometimes I just feel defeated. No matter how long or hard I pray, no matter how much scripture I read, no matter the truths and promises I remember God said! The last couple of days I have and it’s OK.

I believe some of you will think this is nuts. I am a Christian, a Christ-follower. How in the world can she feel defeated and say, “It’s OK! It’s because of my relationship with God that I can say, “It’s OK.” God knows me because He created me! He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He knows what makes me feel at peace and feel defeated. He knows there is an enemy that knows these things as well.

I found out yesterday, the job I wanted was given to someone else. Then today, I went on another interview and did my very best as always, but in the car, I talked myself into feeling defeated. How many times before have you done this? One word, one phrase, something about your past, a question they ask you about a past position and you know it’s over, you blew it! If they really, really knew you, man would they love you and want to hire you on the spot.

I didn’t read my “Jesus Calling” devotion yesterday. I read both June 13 and 14th today. Man, what a difference it made. Even though I read it before my interview during my morning “Me” time, I remembered what it said. It penetrated my heart, I longed to read again and believe it. I knew it to be the truth. It was God’s word, his sweet words to me. Telling me He loves me and my faults and weaknesses. Telling me something better is waiting for me, something He created just for me!  It said,“God is creating something new in me! My sinful natures, my passions and my desires have been crucified with Christ! I will keep in step with His spirit! I was chosen by God who loves me with an everlasting love! I am His!” (My paraphrasing) John 3:8, 1 Peter 2:9

My sinful natures of wanting and desiring something so bad, it takes me away from Him; My peace! When I wasn’t worried about finding another job, worried about money or anything else, I had Peace! I like that feeling. It’s hard, not worrying is hard, but knowing that I have a Savior who loves me and cares about me makes it easier. I know if I meet him and call out to him, He will hear me and give me comfort. He will give me Peace!

Tomorrow I get to be with wonderful, loving children who don’t care about what job I want or how much money I make. They’re just glad I showed up to spend time with them. And that’s just where I want to be. His Peace=My Life!

I by far don’t have all the answers, but what I do know is that God loves you and knows you! He created you with strengths and weaknesses. He made you special! He has special things for you, things for you to see and do! That’s right, just you! Trust Him, love Him and call to Him and He will bring you Peace! And it will be OK!

Children and Technology: What is Appropriate?

In our technological society today, we pick up a child from school and give them a phone or tablet and we don’t have to engage with them, talk about their day or even speak to them. I am so guilty of this also. It’s so easy to do this, but what happens is we allow our children to learn from the internet. Do we really want our 3-16 year olds watching YouTube videos of whatever in the car or in their rooms all alone? Do we really know what they are watching? Do we want to have to re-teach simple skills to our children because we were too busy or to lazy?

I find myself in this web (literally) every Sunday afternoon. It’s my quiet time, my me time, time to myself. But when my grandson is finished playing outside with friends, he goes into his room to play video games and watch YouTube. I’m not saying YouTube is bad, I’m saying we need to monitor what our children watch and listen to. They can learn a lot from what they see on the TV, internet and video games, but not in a good way.

Then they bring this knowledge to school, church, shopping, etc. And it is not appropriate. They can’t separate from what they see because they haven’t been taught the difference. Some children believe that what is happening on TV is real or what is being said they can say. But they can’t!

Children need to see us, hear us and listen to us. We need to see our children, hear our children and listen to our children. The worst scenario is at a restaurant where mom and dad are on the phone and the children are bored because they aren’t doing anything. So they are fighting with the silverware, sugar, ketchup or whatever they can find and get reprimanded because they are making a mess.

Talk to your children, find out what they are interested in and let them know what you’re interested in. Have a conversation! Make up a story! Sing songs, make up songs, read a book together or tell a joke and laughed so hard you want to pee on yourself. Be all there! I know, that’s me too! My grandson and I have the most fun doing this at bedtime.   And what really funny is we are not getting ourselves sleepy by doing this. We are actually keeping ourselves awake, but we are having fun.

Find some way to connect to your child and keep them away from things you know are too old for them and things they spend way too much time on. The internet is an interesting and helpful place, but only if used appropriately.

 

Separated by Choice

I’ve been thinking a lot today about a friend of mine. Her birthday is this month and I really wish I could tell her Happy Birthday, send her a card or talk to her.

We were best friends in high school. We did everything together. We had a little click of friends who hung out, shared secrets, wrote notes (no cell phones), laughed, cried and loved one another. We shared everything, except boyfriends of course.

When my best friend started dating this one dude, she spent all her time with him. I hardly saw her. It was very frustrating and it made me mad. First of all, I didn’t like him. He didn’t treat her the way I thought she should be treated. Then after I went off the college or maybe the summer before (I can’t remember), she decided to marry him. Ugghhh!!!   I just knew this was bad news! She had her whole life ahead of her. I just knew she was making a mistake! I would show her!

I was invited to the wedding, but I didn’t go. I didn’t go!!! I didn’t show up!!! I was a no-show to my best friend’s wedding! My friend for years, the one who held my secrets, the one who knew me best!

What was I thinking! Maybe being 18 years of age doesn’t make me smartest person, obviously, so making the best life choices wasn’t in the cards for me. It was a choice I made, which caused me to lose my best friend. A bad choice!

Years passed and I got a card from her. She was getting remarried. I went to that one. I shared it with her, hugged her and loved on her. But it wasn’t the same. I had made a choice to miss so much from before that sharing this one with her, though it was great and glad that she thought of me, I couldn’t help but feel guilty, and unforgiven!  I believe she had forgiven me and still loved me, but I had not forgiven myself. Not until today!

The enemy will bring things to the forefront of our minds, especially things from the past. Things we didn’t know we needed to forgive ourselves for. I have been carrying this guilt for so many years, guilt that was forgiven by my best friend and nailed to the cross of my Savior. Ephesians 1:7 – In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.

Today, I would like to have a relationship with her. I know we can’t go back to the past, but we could aim for the future. If I could talk with her, I would tell her, “I’m so sorry, I should have been there for you no matter what my feelings were. I have loved you from the beginning of our friendship years ago. I don’t know what I can do to retrieve our friendship, but I would do it! I miss you!” LYLAS (DHC)

I have learned from this mistake to:

  1. Always forgive yourself
  2. Always make amends.
  3. Always believe that things can change.

At the end of the day, I know that I have changed and I’m forgiven! Even if we never have share a friendship again, I know that I was blessed to have known her and have her in my life!