Why I Stopped Praying for my Future Husband

Two years ago, I started feeling attractive.  (What?) A nice gentleman and I started talking and I felt that I might be ready to get married again in the near future.  He used the words, “Godly Wife”. So I started reading Proverbs 31 and following groups on Facebook and Instagram to figure out what that even was.

Being a Christ-follower, I spoke to my Heavenly Father first.  I remember making this big long list of things I wanted and didn’t want.  I put it under my pillow and prayed over it every night before bed. Then I started following this group that taught me how to pray and what to pray for a future spouse.  It was great. I read the scriptures and prayed the prayers for a year. It became hard. I became obsessed and confused thinking I was already good enough and ready. Asking, “When is my time? Why not me?  Is he the one?

I even took a really good paid course on becoming and finding my future husband.  The course work was hard because it made me dig deeper into my prayer life and who my Heavenly Father is and how becoming “the one” is just as important as finding “the one”. My long list became a short list.  My short list includes: God, Protector, Provider, Lover and Best Friend. It was a great course. I’m glad I did it and I recommend it.

But like I said, I became obsessed.  I thought about it all the time. I wanted it to happen when I wanted it to happen and with who I wanted it to happen with.  I would just look at a guy and say, “Maybe he’s the one.” I would even look for a wedding ring.  

So I decided to close that season of my life because it took me away from who I am and who I want to be.  I hadn’t worried about what my life should look like or who I should be with for a very long time. I have God and my family, a career I love and a wonderful purpose given by God.  I am complete. I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I was creating chaos in my peaceful life. Worrying about things that are out of my control. So no more praying for my future husband.

If God blesses me with another someone, then I will wait and let it be a surprise.  I love surprises!

To die is gain!

I have not lost, I have gained.

Philippians 1:21-22a (NIV)

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  22a If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. 

Over the past month, I’ve encounter an end, a loss, let go, a resignation and a possibility.  Each thing representing something that I loved or wanted to love. Each thing having a specific meaning with time and space in my life.

In my singleness, I’ve learned to become independent. I’ve learned to rely on myself with God’s help.  Taking care of children, a house, a car, finances, serving others, friendships……always putting others first.  When faced with the upside downness of the past month, I realize that each of these things have taken my independence away and made me more dependent on God.

I have prayed and studied God’s word and put things aside to pursue God more and more.  I have been happier and found more joy in my sorrow and pain than at any other time in my life.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. (Philippians 1:21-22a)  I desire to be closer to God and learn how He wants me to live and who He wants me to be for this season of my life.  He has sent each of these situations to me to gain perspective, discipline, consistency, motivation and love.

I want to be wanted, chosen, cared for, loved, respected and pushed.    In each situation, God has shown me that even when something is worldly lost, gone, done or taken, He is still here, waiting, wanting,  pursuing, loving, providing, protecting. I have not lost, I have gained. I have gained more with Him than I can ever gain with another person, job, or success.  I have gained love, joy, peace, mercy, grace and everlasting life! Nothing I could ever gain with a person, job or success. Therefore, I have gained it all! I have gained Jesus!  I have won!

The Journey

I realized this every year about this time, but never fully accept it because of high expectations of myself and my students. I struggle, sweat, push, worry, cry, lose sleep, over-work myself into some crazy person to make sure my students are ready for 2nd grade. 
I saw inside the journey today and was pleased and proud as students read to other students and had a discussion about the Main Idea! When students struggling to read all year, sounded out words and read books they’ve never read before.
What a proud moment! A Teacher, yes! But more than that, their other mother, supporter, cheerleader, pastor, doctor, dentist, psychologist, hair dresser, etc. ME!
Though I may never see their full success. I know that I walked this journey with them and I gave it my all! To my students: I love you and I love being your Teacher!

Book Trailers

You Are Wonderfully and Beautifully Made by Lola Brooks.
Book and eBook available on Amazon.com
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07KWLTD4B
Nightmares in my Eyeballs by Lola Brooks
Coming Soon!

Silent Heartbreak

Poem by Lola Brooks

Too quiet to speak,

No words can express the pain.

There’s no one to tell,

you were my one,

Now I’ve lost you.

I did the wrong thing,

I said something wrong.

I’d take it back,

but it’s too late.

I carry the silence within,

no one knows me like you.

There’s no one to share it with,

you won’t talk to me and

I can’t make it go away.

Love 2019

It began with Love, when God created the world and it will end with Love, when God returns and Heaven becomes our home.

Love rules the earth and the Heavens.  It overtakes our lives if we let it in.  I began to learn to love again this past year. (2018)  I found the love of best friend and a lost love. After many years of blocking love with a wall I built to protect me from getting hurt, two people were sent to me to show me the love I deserve and wanted.  

I am grateful to God for always loving me and showing me unconditional love.  For bringing new loves into my life and proving that it still exists in the right people that He chooses to send.  But remember, you must be discerning and receptive to receive this love. It doesn’t always come the way you think it might. Thank you, God!

I am grateful to my loves who bring such joy to my life.  Showing me how to receive love has been their greatest gift to me.  I have always given love, but receiving it has been a little hard because of past mistakes.  Opening up, taking down my wall, becoming submissive and enjoying their love has made me a better person.  Thank you, loves!

In 2019, My one word is Love!  I choose the give and receive love.  I want those I love to know I love them.  I will overly love them because our days aren’t promised, even though my coffee thinks I’ll live forever. lol  

Learn to love God who loves you even if you don’t love Him.  Learn to love yourself even if you don’t. Find ways to change that without looking for others to do it for you.  Love for yourself should only come from you. Your happiness is just that: Yours. No one can make you happy, only you.  When others see your happiness for yourself, they’ll want you. But you can’t make them happy either. They must find happiness for themselves.  And when you come together, It’s a whole lot of love and happiness for yourselves and those who you give it to.

Grow together, love together, lean on each other together, have fun together, make memories together, build a life together.  Love, just let it in!

 

God’s Glory

Having to be transparent at times a little difficult for me.  I am not an open book. But when God uses my difficulties as a story for his people and those that are not His, I must be transparent to show you how awesome and loving He is.

Being a Teacher means that I only get paid once a month and sometimes that is hard. Being Single Mom makes it all the more difficult in making sure all the bills get paid and we have food  to eat and gas to go places. Sometimes everything gets paid and sometimes something get left unpaid.

Recently in August right before school started, I put off paying the electric bill because of thinking I would get paid before school started.  I used that money to buy things I needed for my classroom because Teachers have to buy their own stuff. I postponed it 10 days after the due date and then found out I was not getting paid until the day school started (27th).  The bill was due on the 24th, a Friday. I wouldn’t get paid until that Monday.

I tried to figure out something.  I felt horrible, but there was nothing I could do, but pray. I prepared for the worst (no electricity). I made arrangement to stay at a friend’s home.  I found my kids places to stay. I packed all the food in the refrigerator to take to my friend’s house.  I cleaned, took out all the trash, washed all the clothes and waited. I went to school that morning and then back home expecting the electricity to be off, but it wasn’t.  I called my friend to let her know that I was waiting for it to be cut off. So I waited and waited and waited on Friday evening, Saturday morning, Saturday evening and Sunday morning.  The electric company workers can come at any time, even on the weekends to cut it off. Sunday morning, I checked my account balance at the bank because I needed some gas and I knew I had a least $10 in it.  But Glory be, my school check was in there, posted and ready to use. I immediately posted a payment with the electric company and thanked God for showing me His glory, grace, mercy and favor.

God showed me his glory.  He showed me how to prepared for things that could happen and recently for things I want to happen.  God showed up and showed out so that I could show you His greatness and love for his children. Just like He did this weekend when Hurricane Florence hit North Carolina, where I live.  He show His glory by calming the storm through prayers by people who love Him and people that don’t. Think about how many people who don’t know Him saw His glory through prayer. Now they know and hopefully they will have a change of heart about him.  You can too! Just ask Him. He loves you and wants you to see his glory, too!